Main contents
May 12th, 2008
Just like a waiter who is way too friendly, a door holder is quite annoying. While this person has good intentions the reality is that the relentless pursuit of holding the door for anyone and everyone actually makes life ten times more difficult and awkward.
People like to walk at a constant speed and don’t wish to alter this predetermined speed unless they only have 8 seconds left on the crosswalk countdown at an intersection and they don’t want to get stuck beside the bum asking for change.
Other than that one example, there is really nothing else in our daily lives that causes us to alter our individual walking paces. Nothing, that is, except for door holders. It is an obligation to speed up and do an awkward half-walk half-jog until you get to the threshold of the door being held for you, or else you are considered rude.
Plus, you have to take on the responsibilities of the door holder now that you are annoyingly in front of the person instead of comfortably in place behind them. If you are passing through a double set of doors, you are absolutely required to hold the next door for the holder of the first door (if you know the person), or at least open it for them and do the awkward pause-and-reach-back door hold (if you don’t know the person) just in case the door were to come off its hinges and slam them in the face as they attempted to enter behind you.
The person who held the door for you will automatically assume they have created some sort of bond with you and thus you are now friends for a moment in time. After all, they have done you a great service. You may not have known whether to pull or push, but the door holder always knows. He has studied many a door because he has spent his life holding them for people throughout the years.
Lastly, a door holder is always male. Interestingly enough, the target of door holder is always female. What the door holder doesn’t realize is that his female target has purposefully positioned herself behind him because she doesn’t want him staring at her butt while she walks, which is something that all non-gay men do to all women under 40 (it is a property of life itself that we have no control over). Thus, not only has the door holder caused the door holdee to awkwardly speed up in order the relieve the door holder’s strained arm, but the door holdee is now conscious of a constant admiring gaze on her hind-quarters.
Posted in annoying | 1 Comment »
April 22nd, 2008
No I did not get this idea from the English Fail post - it was already in my list of to-do posts. However, English Fail hits the nail right on the head.
No need for a lengthy explanation when a picture can tell the whole story. If it’s not absolutely immediately clear to you why this is incorrect, let me ask you a few follow-up questions just to make sure of something:
1) Which term do you prefer using, ‘irregardless’ or ‘nevertheless’?
2) How many ellipses do you use in your emails… like how many sets of them… on average…?
3) What’s the proper way to use an explanation point?
Respond in the comments - it’s just a little test I’m running for no reason. Don’t worry about it.
“Thank you”
-DONOTWANTYou
Posted in ignorant | 8 Comments »
April 21st, 2008
Saying an obvious fact that everyone already knows is not a great habit to adopt. It generally tells people a few things about your personality.
First it tells people that you are not creative. You could’ve chosen to say something that you came up with yourself, recanted a funny story, said an opinion, or made an observation that no one else has made before. Instead, your eyes spotted a 6′ 7″ person and your brain produced the response “Man, You’re Tall!” probably followed up with “Do you play basketball?”
Second it tells people that you assume no one else around you is thinking. The phrase “Thank you Captain Obvious” is one of my favorite phrases because when someone says it in response to your obviousness they are saying that they are indeed thinking - in fact they’re thinking about just as many things as you are, if not more! And not only had they already noticed the tall person, but they were able to top it all off by saying a clever phrase like “Thank you Captain Obvious.”
If you are a person who says “Man, you’re tall!” to tall people, here’s a few helpful tips on suppressing this type of behavior:
A) Do not say comments to people regarding things they had no choice in. I bet it would be annoying to hear “Man, youre car died!” to someone on the side of the road who’s car died, just like if you said “Man, you’re tall!” to someone who’s tall.
B) Think about if there are any positive responses to your comment. If you can’t think of any responses besides “Thank you Captain Obvious”, the comment you’re about to make is probably an obvious fact that everyone already knows.
C) Don’t ever watch Jeopardy with your girlfriend because she will leave and never come back.
Posted in annoying | No Comments »
April 17th, 2008
Sometimes you will come across a person who is watching the reality show Survivor and appears very upset. This can be for one of two possible reasons: A) Their favorite Survivor has just been voted off the island; B) One of the Survivors lied to another Survivor to win the game. Being upset because of reason A is acceptable. Being upset because of reason B is not.
Survivor consists of people that go to an island to try to be the last one left by outplaying and outwitting the others. The goal is not “to go and build relationships that will last a lifetime” or “it doesn’t matter if you win as long as you played your best”, it is “to win $1 million.” If those were the goals only around 400 people in the world would apply.
Despite this fact, time and time again you will see a Survivor who gets voted off and says “even though I didn’t win the money at least I stayed true to my principals.” These types of phrases warm the hearts of upset viewers who hate liars. It is what assures them that the world is worth saving if only we’d ban lying from games.
An interesting side note: do not expect them to become angry at a baseball pitcher for doing a change up or a quarterback for calling an audible, strangely enough. One theory is that they have possibly mistaken the term “reality show” for “real life” (though it is important to note they have not mistaken the term “soap opera” for “Jergins vocal performance”).
Posted in ignorant | No Comments »
April 16th, 2008
Level of annoyingness by itself: 2/10
Level of annoyingness when you really want to get out of there because your coworker used the urinal right next to you and your thighs accidentally touched: 10/10
Posted in annoying, disturbing | No Comments »
April 15th, 2008
“All 50 states have allowed right turns on red since January 1, 1980, unless a sign otherwise prohibits this.”
“Hazmat vehicles [...] in New York and Illinois are not legally allowed to turn on red under any circumstance.”
“All turns on red are prohibited in New York City unless a sign is posted permitting it.”
-The Almighty Source
I estimate that I spend an average of 37 hours per year sitting behind someone who is turning right on red. I previously assumed they were too afraid of speedy runaway cars to go through with it. Now I know the real two possible reasons for this:
- There are a lot of people in my town that moved here from New York City
- There are a lot of toxic chemical truck drivers in my town that moved here from New York City
Next time you’re stuck sitting behind someone who refuses to turn right on red just be glad you don’t have to be a toxic chemical truck driver.
Posted in annoying, ignorant | 2 Comments »
April 15th, 2008
There are certain types of people you will come across who really love a specific brand. Along with this brand there is a competing brand that pretty much makes the exact same products except it is a different brand. These people really hate the second brand. It is just how their minds function - call it efficiency.
It is OK to hate a competing brand if you work for the first brand or own stock in it, because the second brand is competing against you. It is also OK to not like one brand as much as another brand for a particular reason.
What is interesting is that people who overly love one brand will often hate the competing brand with the highest market share - more so than employees or even the CEO of the first brand.
You can usually tell who these people are because they conveniently share with us their belief system through the use of bumper stickers and/or cynical t-shirts. You can tell you’re talking to a person who hates the other brand if you hear them say something like “I drive a Toyota Camry but I would rather walk 1000 miles through the desert than sit in a crappy Chevy Impala for one second.” Yes, they will say this even if they have never been in a Chevy Impala.
Instead of just simply preferring an import to a domestic car because they last longer, the love of the import car somehow translates into hatred for the domestic car. Scientists are still debating this phenomenon.
Here’s a tip: try asking a follow up question about the brand they hate, and then bring up a similar brand that doesn’t have a lot of the market share:
“So you love Coke but hate Pepsi - what is wrong with Pepsi?”
The likely response will be “Ugh it’s way too sweet and flat and doesn’t taste anything like Coke at all.”
Then bring up the third brand: “What about Big K Cola?” The person will likely not mind the third brand because it doesn’t take up enough of the market share to be a threat.
Posted in elite | No Comments »
April 15th, 2008
If you have ever worked a job where your income was based on tips (which rules out cafeteria-style restaurants and Denny’s) this post does not apply to you and you can stop reading. If your automatic tip percentage at a restaurant with good service is 20% this post does not apply to you and you can stop reading. For those of you who are left…
Let me get this straight. You will purchase an appetizer that you don’t need for $8, but you won’t tip an extra $4 to bring your lousy 10% tip up to an acceptable 15-20%?
This is a classic case of not being able to see the relative cost advantage of things. An extra four dollar tip will:
- A) Make the server automatically like you
- B) Help pay the server’s rent
- C) Ensure good service the next time you eat at the restaurant
- D) Impress your girlfriend/spouse
- E) Give yourself confidence in life (I know you can’t possibly believe it, but this is an actual effect)
So for four dollars you can buy happiness for three people, confidence for yourself, and make your girlfriend like you more. That’s the best four dollars you’ll ever spend.
If you are still reading even though you already are a good tipper I’ll make this worth your while. Here’s how to spot a cheap tipper. First, they’re usually wealthier people strangely enough. Second, they are always the more difficult customers that send their food back or ask for a lot of modifiers on their orders. Finally, a tell-tale sign is if they only order water to drink (does not apply to the lunch crowd).
The best thing to do if you come across a cheap tipper is to have a predetermined list of restaurants that automatically charge gratuity and recommend all of them to the person. They will still not get the picture, but at least they will be forced to tip.
Also ask them how long it usually takes to get their pizza delivered. Their response will likely be along the lines of “we don’t even order pizza anymore because it takes too long to get here and it’s always cold and our order is usually wrong”. This is because the pizza delivery man who they never tipped came up with a plan and it worked perfectly.
One last thing, don’t tell that to the cheap tipper because they will try to call into the store and get the pizza delivery man fired because that is something cheap tippers also like to do.
Posted in selfish | 8 Comments »
April 14th, 2008
This is a very simple concept but people have not figured it out yet. Here’s some good advice if you are a person who likes to cover your car with stickers as if they were some sort of forcefield that protects you as you drive.
I’m not sure if you know but people break into cars and sometimes just plain vandalize them for no reason. If people will do this for no reason, you can rest assured they’ll do it for some reason. Telling people how far superior you are to them using sticky rectangles on your back window is a reason.
You can look at it another way. Applying a bumper sticker that doesn’t offend anyone will ensure that no one throws a brick through your car window. Applying a bumper sticker that offends, say, all Mexicans could result in a brick through your car window. The trouble is, sometimes there are gray areas and it’s not easy to tell which bumper sticker will have which effect. There are no guarantees that no one will be offended by the witty saying you put on your bumper.
In other words, there are a lot of bad consequences to having a bumper sticker on your car. Plus they can be very dangerous and distracting, and it is a fact that bumper stickers are the cause of 20% of all traffic accidents.
Posted in annoying, trendy | 2 Comments »
April 11th, 2008
This phrase is usually spoken by bosses, business people, and Nick Lachey. It is OK to say “at the end of the day” if you are referencing the end of an actual day. It is not OK to say it at any other point in time.
People use this phrase when they’re attempting to make it known that they’re looking at the “bigger picture” of something (i.e. “when all is said and done”). Often a person saying this phrase will be holding a cafe latte or a bottled water, and will most likely be within arm’s length of a laptop.
The other time you will hear this phrase is when a celebrity on a reality show is talking to a camera during the interview portion and telling you what just happened or is about to happen. Two good references are Survivor and Newlyweds, but any other reality show will do.
If you are near someone who says this phrase, it is quite possible that they are too concerned with summarizing life. Maybe you should talk to them about other parts of the day besides the end. Throw the phrase “the journey is half of the fun” at them and see what happens.
The worst case scenario is that they will drop their latte on their laptop, but the good news is that all people who say “at the end of the day” can afford new laptops.
Posted in annoying | 3 Comments »
Entries RSS
